Oh, God.
I'm sick of this.
My legs and feet are going numb.
INNER SELF: Well, they will be won't they?
You've been sat there for like over 45 minutes.
- It's a waiting game, innit? - I know it is,
but you're not trying, are you? You're not...
You're not giving it your best shot, you've got...
- I am. ...get things moving a little bit.
- That's why... - Or at least try to.
I am trying! That's what I'm trying to do.
Yeah, but just move about a little bit, you're very static,
you're not even sat up straight. That's the problem,
you're causing a blockage because you're all crunched up.
Just sit back, that's it, sit back, and even move about a little bit.
Just get things moving, that's the problem.
You've got a blockage, just move about, twist about a bit, left to right.
Left to right, that's it, keep going like that. And you can stretch up!
Stretch up, because you're loosening it all, get some movement going.
And the other side!
- Oh... - And the other side! That's it!
- Brilliant, keep going. - (FARTS)
- There you go! - NORMA: I heard that. Shut the door.
What's her problem?
- It was only a fart, nothing else. - Weird, innit?
If you sneeze, people say "Bless you."
If you fart, you get that reaction.
I don't know why. Sneezes spread a lot more diseases.
Let's face it, the plague didn't start by a fart, did it?
(INHALES SHARPLY)
(DOO-WOP MUSIC PLAYING INDISTINCTLY ON JUKEBOX)
The stuff you want is in the medicine drawer.
No, not that one, the one below.
Jesus.
I'm gonna stop calling you Auntie Norma,
and start calling you Auntie Biotics.
Is all this stuff you're on really necessary or what?
Well, I'm not sure any more but you can't give them up just in case.
The one you want is the green one.
Use-by date says August, 1998!
Oh, you can't pay attention to use-by dates.
She's got a point you know, hasn't she?
I mean, the worst that will happen is that you get the shits.
And that would be a result, wouldn't it?
RECEPTIONIST: I know your appointment's urgent
and I will try and fit you in as soon as I can.
- Okay. All right, bye. - KARL: Yeah.
I've got a 9:00 appointment.
Yeah, he's ready to see you now.
- Room 12. - Cheers.
- Oh, sorry. - What can I do for you?
I've, erm... Got a problem with me, me bowels.
I've just been a bit... Bit bloated down there, just, erm, a bit bunged up.
DOCTOR: If your body's not acting normally
it's trying to tell you something.
Any change in your routine?
Can you get up for me, please?
(GROANS)
Well, I split with my ex-girlfriend about a year ago.
I suppose that's been getting me down a little bit, yeah.
Living with me auntie, so I'm spending most evenings
just sat in front of the telly with her.
Stress is a difficult thing.
The body produces hormones after a break up,
it can lead to digestive problems.
So what, what are you saying then? What... What am I meant to do?
Just get out there, date someone.
Well, that's not that easy, is it? I mean, you're sort of saying do that,
but can't you just give me some pills?
Oh, sorry, I thought you were done.
I think I am, yeah. I just...
Er, what are you looking for?
I'm not looking for anything.
It's me arse that wants a date.
It's mad, this, trying to meet someone just so I can empty my bowels.
Maybe the doctor was right. I mean, when you were knocking about with Zoe,
you were always on the toilet, weren't you?
That was one of her complaints.
She never saw it as a sign that you loved her.
I'm not really into this. I didn't meet Zoe by ticking boxes.
Melanie looks nice.
"Favourite features, my eyes."
Hmm. She would say that, wouldn't she?
It's her eyes that are picking her favourite feature.
Height, 5'3". Eyes, hazel.
Star sign, Taurus. Interests, eating.
What does that mean though? Does that mean she's fat?
You can only see her head here.
What's the rest of her like?
Well, you're not exactly in great shape yourself.
Heather! "I like partying,
"I like outdoor activities, I volunteer for charities."
You'll never see her. When will she have time for you?
Says she's looking for someone with similar tastes.
Yeah, I don't want someone with similar tastes.
That just means she'll be nicking my biscuits, doesn't it?
And anyway, you want to meet someone different, don't you?
Someone who's different from yourself.
You know, it makes the relationship more interesting.
I think I've got cramps again. Just pick us one at random, will you?
- (CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY) - (JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)
He's a cockapoo.
Right. He's yours, is he?
- Isn't he lovely? - Yeah.
(LAUGHS)
He's only 12 months old in that one.
- You dress him up then? - Yeah!
He's the love of my life.
I've just got to show you this one.
Oh, where is it?
It's in here somewhere.
- I'm just gonna nip to the toilet. - All right.
(EXHALES SHARPLY)
Anything happening?
Nothing's moving.
You might as well just stay sat on a chair in there
because that's all you're doing.
You're sat on a chair with your pants down.
I don't even know if I've got an arse any more.
It's sort of sealed over.
Action Man's arse back there.
She can't be the one then, can she?
Nothing's moving, you're not getting a twinge.
I'm sick of her,
going on about her cockapoo.
Go on, just give it one last push.
Get the muscles going.
I think I'm wasting me time in here.
You give up too easy.
No point in flushing it, is it? No point in washing my hands.
- (ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING) - (WOMAN LAUGHING)
(GROANS DEEPLY)
Are you all right?
My stomach's been playing up.
Digestive system's all up the spout.
Shouldn't you see a doctor?
I have.
Didn't he give you anything for it?
No.
He said it's all linked to, er, me splitting with my ex.
Oh.
Apparently that sort of thing can play havoc with your innards.
And so what... What can I do?
He said you've just go to get out there, get dating again,
meet someone, get some love in your life.
He said if you do that,
it might get rid of the blockage.
The body's weird, isn't it?
So...
This romantic date I got all made up for just happened
so you can go to the toilet?
Yeah. There's a bit of truth in that, yeah.
No, I've... I do have to do that, I do have to move on,
I do have to find someone new, it's just that I didn't realise
I was ready for that yet,
it's just that my stomach was sort of ready for it before I was. That's...
What happens when you've had a shit?
Where's our relationship then?
(SIREN WAILING IN DISTANCE)
So? How did it go?
Well, I still haven't been to the toilet, so you do the math.
Why? What happened?
Oh, I told her why I got back into dating.
What? You didn't tell her you were bunged up, did you?
Yeah. She went off on one.
You've only just met her and you've already had an argument?
(SIGHS) It's gonna happen at some point, isn't it?
That's... That's what happens in relationships, we argue.
Well, it is, innit! Think about Adam and Eve.
First couple on the planet. They fell out over who ate an apple or something.
It's what we do.
It's about being able to have the argument but,
you know, stick together after.
So what happened after the argument?
Well, she left.
Try the cinema next time.
Limit the amount of time you talk.
- All right, thanks for the advice. - Yeah.
- (LOUNGE MUSIC PLAYING) - I think that was the first time
I've seen a film at a cinema with subtitles.
- Really? - Yeah.
Like reading a massive Kindle, innit?
- Erm, a little bit. (LAUGHS) - (SIGHS)
Listen, if you fancy it, have you got time for a quick drink or...
Er, yeah, could do, but it'll have to be a quick one though
because I've got to be up early.
- So what's your job then? - I'm a nurse.
- Are you? - Yeah.
- Where at? - The Royal.
Oh, God I'm always in and out of there with my Auntie.
- Are you... You close? - Yeah.
Well, yeah I could be there within about five minutes.
I could meet you for lunch.
No, erm... You and your Auntie. Are you close?
Oh, right. Yeah. Too close, if anything.
So do you know, like... How the body works and all that then?
Well, I'm not doing surgery or anything, but I know a bit.
I'm having loads of problems with my digestive system.
Oh, what do you think brought that on?
Erm... I... I don't know.
Well, you don't want to come to hospital.
The food there won't do your gut any good! (LAUGHS)
- It annoys me when people say that. - What?
When people moan about the hospital food,
it just... It just really annoys me.
They sort of, go into hospital and have one of the world's best surgeons
giving them a heart transplant and they come round
and start moaning about the custard being lumpy.
It's not a hotel, is it? It's a hospital!
Well, I mean, the government should give more money to improve the food, really.
Are you winding me up?
If there's any more money knocking around it should go towards
more hospital beds, or more nurses, or paying you more money.
Jesus, if you... When you take your car into the garage at lunchtime
you don't expect them to serve you lunch, do you?
It's the same thing, same with the hospital.
(DOGS BARKING)
No, if anything, save money and let the patient's family feed them.
(STAMMERS) That would sort it out.
Yeah, but some of these older patients
don't have family to come and bring them food.
Don't get me started about old people.
- What now? - Oh, that...
That's another problem, isn't it, with the NHS?
Operating on people who are like past their, you know, their best?
What... What is the point of giving someone in their 90s a new hip?
What is the point in that? What a waste of money that is.
- What are they gonna do... - Do you know what,
- I'm gonna leave that drink. - Why?
I've got to be up early to serve that horrible food that's a waste of money.
(SIGHS DEEPLY)
KARL: It's annoying that.
I really liked her.
I don't know what went wrong, all I was saying was that she deserves more money.
What surprises me is that it's not your looks that are letting you down, is it?
- What do you mean? - It's every time you speak,
you seem to sort of say the wrong thing, put your foot in it.
That's what pisses them off.
It was a lot easier back in the day, wasn't it?
Not really, I didn't have any luck with women back in the day either.
No, I mean back, back in the day, in cavemen times.
It would have been easier then, wouldn't it?
When we didn't have to speak, there wasn't language.
That's what's made things complicated with women. Having to talk to them.
It's hard, innit? It's hard not to say the wrong thing.
I suppose so.
I think that's what's gonna happen,
I think we're going to sort of devolve with the tongue.
I think it's going to start to disappear
because it's not doing us any favours any more.
We're gonna end up being extinct
because women are put off by us, by what we say.
It's just gonna shrink.
It's gonna just, like, shrink to the back of your throat
just like this... This little sort of weird thing
like that, with taste buds on it. That's all it's there for
to taste the food, but you can't talk.
You won't be able to talk any more, you just...
You'll... You'll try, because you'll be frustrated.
You'll wanna shout, you know.
Women will still wind you up, but you'll be there sort of like
(MUFFLED) "What are you talking about?"
No one will understand what you're saying
and then no one gets offended and we all get on better.
Less wars.
You have a point.
That's what's gonna happen.
(GROANS)
What?
Just got a bit of a twinge.
I knew I liked her.
Oh, shit.
It's closed.
What do you mean it's closed? It's a toilet.
Yeah, says it's not open until 8:00 a.m.
What kind of world are we living in
where someone's deciding when you can have a shit?
I mean, your arse doesn't know what time of day it is, does it?
Wait, no, excuse me, I'm not...
- I'm not working, no, no. - (SPEAKS POLISH)
- Yeah, no, it's not that sort of taxi. - (SPEAKS POLISH)
(IMITATES CAR ENGINE)
You've got to book it. You've got to phone.
- (SPEAKING POLISH) - I can't.
I don't know what you're saying, but I can't take you.
I'll get a bollocking.
Bollocking?
- Yeah, a bollocking. - (LAUGHS)
(SPEAKING POLISH)
"Bollocking, bollocking."
- I get told off. - Off, off. (SPEAKS POLISH)
Thank you!
(MUTTERING)
Where are you going to?
(WOMAN LAUGHING)
(WOMAN SPEAKING POLISH)
You'll have to point for me, because I don't know...
I don't understand what you're saying.
- (SPEAKING POLISH) - Yeah. Well, point! Point for me. Point!
- (WOMAN SPEAKING POLISH) - Straight on?
Straight on? Right. You'll have to direct me though,
left and right, left and right, left and right.
I don't know what you're saying!
(WOMAN SPEAKING POLISH)
Is it a shop? Is this your house?
Where... Where are we going?
I know, I know you wanted to go left, but that was a...
- (SPEAKING POLISH) - KARL: I can't stop here.
- (SPEAKING POLISH) - I can't stop here.
- (SPEAKING POLISH) - No, I can't stop here.
- (SPEAKING POLISH) - Good God!
Stop. Stop.
Yes, I've stopped for you, there you go.
Okay. Super. Super. (SPEAKS POLISH)
Right that's, £5.50, please.
Stop. Stop.
No, no, £5.50. I can't...
Where are you going? I can't wait here!
Where you go...
(MEN SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY)
(FEMALE SHOPPER SPEAKING POLISH)
- Hey, wait, wait, wait. - Hmm? (SPEAKS POLISH)
The metre's... The metre's still running and you owe me £5.50.
- (SPEAKS POLISH) - Mmm.
Okay?
- Yeah, it's not bad, yeah... - (SPEAKING POLISH)
Yeah, but you're not paying me in cake.
(SPEAKS POLISH)
(SPEAKING POLISH)
Ugh, no.
- (SPEAKING POLISH) - No, it's rank.
I'll stick with the cake.
Salami.
Salami crisps?
I like salami, I like crisps, but they shouldn't be together, them.
(READING LABEL INDISTINCTLY)
- Jesus Christ! - (LAUGHING)
I nearly shat myself.
It wouldn't be a bad thing.
(SPEAKING POLISH)
Listen, where are you going to now?
Hmm? (SPEAKING POLISH)
Yeah, but where are you going to?
I can't just drive you around all night, can I?
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. (LAUGHS)
(SPEAKING POLISH)
- (PLAYING POLISH FOLK MUSIC) - (ALL CLAPPING RHYTHMICALLY)
(SPEAKS POLISH)
(PEOPLE SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY)
- (SPEAKING POLISH) - So...
- (SPEAKING POLISH) - So 20...
- (SPEAKING POLISH) - Yeah. £23...
(SHOUTING EXCITEDLY IN POLISH)
You're wasting your time.
You're never going to get that money.
More chance of collecting snot than getting that money off her.
Er, Jarek.
- Hi, I'm Jarek. - Hello, hello.
- Dobroslawa. - For the taxi... For the taxi...
- It's £23.50. - (SPEAKING POLISH)
Oh, what a...
(SPEAKS POLISH)
- Purse? - (SPEAKS POLISH)
I'm getting your...
(WOMAN SCREAMING)
(SPEAKING POLISH) Whoo!
(ALL CLAPPING RHYTHMICALLY)
Oh...
(SIGHS DEEPLY)
Dick!
Absolute arse.
(DIAL TONE SOUNDING)
MAN: (ON PHONE) Hello?
Yeah, all right, mate.
Er, your... Your van's blocking my car in,
is there any chance you can come and move it so I can get out?
MAN: Well, you're in my space, mate.
I didn't know it was your space.
I'm sorry about that, but I... I can't get out,
so can you come and move it, please?
MAN: Yes, mate, my charge is £55.
Fifty-five quid? What's that for?
MAN: Well, that's my call out fee.
Yeah, I... I don't want you to come out and service my boiler.
I just need you to shift your van back about two feet.
MAN: It doesn't matter, mate, I've got to stop doing what I'm doing
to come and move it just because you parked in my space.
(SIGHS) I'm not paying £55.
MAN: Fine then, mate, I don't think you'll find anyone else
who'll move it for less, but you're welcome to phone around.
Thanks for your help.
Fucking...
No. Pointless this.
I don't need this.
(ENGINE STARTING)
No. Pointless this.
I've got out of smaller gaps than this.
Absolutely pointless.
You're just going forwards and backwards.
You can't get out! It's too tight.
It's easy.
There's no way I'm paying £55, the robbing bastard.
You're not having much luck today, are you?
First you were blocked up, and now you're blocked in.
Why don't you just go back into the party, try and enjoy yourself?
Have a bit more of that cake, you liked that.
Have a bit of that. Have a dance.
Let's face it, you can't piss anyone off in there
because no-one's got a clue what you're saying.
It's the ideal party.
I'm sick of this. I'm really sick of it.
Okay?
No, I'm blocked in. I got blocked in.
Bollocking?
(LAUGHING HEARTILY)
- (SPEAKING POLISH) - No, no, that isn't what I said.
(SPEAKING POLISH)
(HUMMING POLISH FOLK MUSIC)
(SPEAKING POLISH)
(CHEERING)
(CHEERS)
What's this?
(SPEAKING POLISH) Jump, jump!
- What? - (SPEAKING POLISH)
No, no, I don't know about that, no.
(ALL CHEERING)
(CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY)
You like her, don't you?
I reckon she likes you as well, you know.
Christ knows why, I mean, you looked like a proper dick
when you came off that space hopper.
It's hard though, innit?
Not really, no. She managed it, didn't she, without falling on her face?
No, I meant it's hard knowing if she's the one or not.
INNER SELF: I'd say she's the one.
There's hardly anyone else queuing up
for a date with the space hopper hero, is there?
I'm just not sure, that's all.
Jesus, when will you be sure?
(LAUGHING)
- Dance! - I don't want to do a dance.
- Dance! - (SIGHS)
- Dance! - It's daft.
Anyway, how do you know the word dance? I thought you can't speak English.
- Oh, dance! - No, you just don't know
- what £23.50 is, no? - (LAUGHING)
(GROANS) Oh! Hang on! I've got a cramp.
- (SPEAKS POLISH) - Cramp! I need a shit.
- (SPEAKS POLISH) - I need a shit!
Ah!
- No, no, no, not a shot, a shit! A shit! - Er...
Er, shit... Shithouse... Poo.
(GROANS)
- (STAMMERS) Toilet. - Ah!
- Toaleta. - Yes. Toaleta. Toaleta. Quick!
(SPEAKING POLISH)
- Oh! - (SPEAKING POLISH)
- (KARL GROANS) - (SPEAKING POLISH)
- Quick! Quick, please! - Okay? Okay? Okay?
All right, I can see the sign. I'm fine, yeah.
- (SPEAKS IN POLISH) - Thanks, thanks!
- (SPEAKS POLISH) - (KARL PANTING)
- (KARL GROANS) - (SPEAKS POLISH)
(KARL GASPING)
(FARTING EXCESSIVELY)
- (FARTS SPUTTERING) - Oh!
- (WATER PLOPPING) - (CHUCKLES AND SIGHS)
(EXHALES SHARPLY)
You all right in there?
KARL: Yeah.
I think I might be in love.